


Destiel - Sabriel - Phan - Oneshot Collection

by SherlockIsaGirlsName2898



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insomniac, M/M, Oneshot, Origami, Paper aeroplanes, Singer Dan, Violinist Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-16 15:59:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4631334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898/pseuds/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of loooots of oneshots ( prompts i found here http://birdsonqs.deviantart.com/art/435-Writing-Prompts-324874505 ) </p><p>Destiel, Sabriel and Phan, maybe Rickyl if i feel like it </p><p>Enjoyyyyyyy <3</p><p>Stay Alive</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan was trying his best to sort through all the emails in his inbox, preoaring to film a new internet support group. He grunted in exasperation as he saw the thousands of heart-broken messages and stupid jokes, among a load of memes and people harassing him about phan. He opened one at random and smiled as he saw that this person literally sent him an entire Phanfiction. He read through it sighing at all the cute and fluffy moments.

He liked Phil. Screw that, he loved him. All the years they'd spent together as 'best friends' they were the best of his life. He remembered the day they first met like it was engraved in his mind forever, reminding him of just how much he fucked up. They both knew back then in 2009 that they weren't just going to be friends, so why did Dan push him away? Because he was scared. Scared of hurting him, scared that Phil would realize how messed up Dan was, scared that he would lose him.

So that was it. Because of him, Dan and Phil were best friends. He loved it obviously but sometimes he just wished he could kiss him whenever he wanted to, whisper an 'I love you' in his ear whenever and wake up next to him.

By this point Phil had most probably completely forgot those months of pure heaven that they'd spent together and that hurt Dan more than anything.

So Dan dealt with it, being constantly reminded that Phil would never be his by all their fans. All the phan shippers. He couldn't go anywhere or do anything ever without reading or hearing the word 'phan' at least once a day. Their relationship had become what the fans moulded it to be, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Dan closed the email and sieved through about a hundred more. After about an hour he found one that caught his eye. When he opened it, his breath hitched.

Phil/28/UK

Dan,

I'm in love with my best friend.

Help?

Dan's breath slowed down as he realized this was probably just an email sent by a fan, trying to trick him. But what if it wasn't? Dan debated on what to do next. He thought of just walking in his room and making him admit it but instead I click the Reply button.

Dear Phil

Life is too short to think too much about these sort of things. What if your best friend does like you and you never find out because you were too busy worrying about being rejected? Go for it, you don't risk anything!

Dan clicked send with shaking hands and waited, sitting back in his chair. Maybe Phil would actually step into his room right now and kiss the living daylight out of him. He started fantasizing when he heard a ding from the computer. Phil/Or Fake Phil had replied.

Well I risk losing my friendship with the biggest dork in the history of humanity. And he's already rejected me, a long time ago, I don't think he feels the same way.

Dan lost his breath for another 10 seconds before wrapping his head around what he just learned. This was Phil. His Phil was in his room writing those emails. He couldn't quite believe it, no one else knew about the rejection, this was actually him. And he knew Dan would find out, that's why he wrote what he did. Mechanically and with slightly wobbly legs Dan got up, not thinking twice about what this meant. He was just in front of the door, this was it. It had been nearly 6 years and this was finally it. His palms felt sweaty and he could feel the heat creeping up his neck.

He knocked on the door three times and without asking Phil's permission to come in he let himself in. And there he was, at his desk looking at his computer screen at the email he just sent. This was actually real. Phil didn't look up when Dan came in, he didn't hear him but when he let out a shaky breath, Phil whipped his head around. His eyes were red and he looked like a total mess.

"I- I'm sorry I just couldn't keep it in any more and I know that you don-"

Dan cut him off

"Phil no, ok shut up." His best friend looked hurt at that but didn't say anything. "I messed up Phil, and after a while I stopped trying to fix it, because believe me I wanted to but-"

"what are you saying Dan?! That after all these years you dare come in here telling me that you 'messed up' ? Because yeah Dan, you messed up, you messed up real bad, and all these years I thought you didn't love me, all these years I thought I wasn't good enough."

Dan couldn't stop angry tears from springing to his eyes.

"I know I messed up believe me! But- I was scared and insecure! And don't you dare say that this whole thing is my fault because that's just unfair! You could've told me any time!"

"Dan you told me you 'you would never love me'! You know how much that hurt? And you think after that I wanted to come and admit my feelings for you?! Fuck off!"

Dan was choked to hear Phil swear so loudly and he had never seen him so angry but didn't have time to act upon it because Phil had gotten up and was walking past him towards the door. Dan took his arm, holding him tight and chocked out the first words he could think off

"Phil I love you."

Phil turned around, his eyes brimming with tears but he saw the softness was back, this was his Phil again.

"Then why didn't you say so..."

"I was scared to lose you Phil! I still am..."

"I'm not going anywhere Dan..." and with that Phil crossed the few steps that separated them and touched his lips to Dan's, softly at first but the kiss soon got heated up. Dan wrapped one arm around Phil's waist and ran the other through his black hair. And it was perfect, it reminded him of the first time they'd ever kissed. He was still as infatuated with Phil as he was back then and he'd never stopped. Dan could feel Phil, he could breath him in, and in that moment he knew that he had never truly stopped loving the blue-eyed boy.


	2. It Was Just A Prank - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's collab with his friend Matt turns into a prank contest. 
> 
> Unluckily he has to prank Phil. 
> 
> Telling him he is in love with him.
> 
> Yeah, it was just a prank. 
> 
> Part 2 coming in a few days, if you want it o3o

“Matt pleaaase I don't want to do this!” Dan whined as he looked at his old friend with a worried smile on his lips, not quite sure what was holding him back from punching the man.

“You promised you would do anything, come on it's not that big a deal” The blond-haired guy rolled his eyes with exasperation at Dan.

Right, so apparently to Matt, it wasn't that big a deal to go in Phil's room, and with all the seriousness in the world, confess his undying love for him? Maybe to anyone else it would've been easy, but the thing Dan was most worried about was if he showed his actual feelings through the words that were supposed to be fake. Dan looked back at his friend, whom he really regretted inviting over, and saw him staring with a smug look, arms crossed over his chest. 

Just with that one look, Dan knew Matt wasn't going to let it go until he did what he asked, he knew how stubborn the idiot could be. Maybe he could pretend to do it, go out for a bit and come back laughing, he wasn't too bad an actor. No that would never work, Matt would for sure be listening in on their conversation and laugh silently as Phil tried to reject him nicely, stuttering as he did so. 

“Fine!” Dan exclaimed, and Matt raised his fist in the air, savouring his short but sweet victory. What an asshole. 

“Any particular rules to this 'prank', and may I add, fairly unfunny prank.”

“Oh come one be a good sport, it'll be fuuuun!” Except it wasn't, and Dan already knew how wrong this could go. The worst part wasn't the words he had to say, with as much fake he could muster, which was kind of hard since he was probably going to mean every single one. No the worst part was going to have to see the rejection in Phil's eyes, trying to let him off easily. It just wasn't fair. This was such a bad idea, he didn't want to get hurt, not again. 

“And no, no rules, just a very touching and 'as real as possible' confession!” It was clear from his expression that Matt was indescribably proud of himself. 

With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, Dan got up, taking as long as possible and making his way up to Phil's bedroom. He stood there a moment, debating whether he should just go back to Matt and make him leave. Before he could make a rash decision he heard Phil's familiar voice calling him out. 

“Are you going to hang around my door for hours or are you actually going to come in Dan?” He jumped, not expecting that, and was left wondering how the frick did Phil know he was there. He didn't have much time though because Phil opened the door with a sweet smile on his face. 

“I was just about to ask you and Matt if you guys wanted to go watch a movie or something!”

“Um actually Phil, Matt left a little while ago, he wasn't feeling well.” Dan was trying his best not to stutter or hesitate, Phil could tell in a heartbeat when he was lying.

“Oh is he ok? Maybe we should send him flowers.” Phil's gaze grew distant, probably choosing flowers to send to his not-even-sick-friend. He was like that. Dan smiled at his adorable personality and walked into his room, shutting the door, waking Phil up from his dazed state. 

“I needed to talk to you about something actually.” He said, not even needing to prepare his next words, he'd pronounced them many times in his head in stupid fantasies.

“Oh sounds serious, are you all right Dan?” Dan wished Phil wasn't so concerned about him, maybe it would make him a little less perfect. Even then he didn't think it was possible. 

 

“I'm perfectly fine but there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time now, and for some reason now seemed to be the right time.” There was no lie in his words, and he was frustrated that he couldn't make them less believable. Maybe that way Phil would see through this. But Phil just sat on his bed scrutinizing Dan with a very worried look. 

So Dan just went for it, not looking in Phil's eyes. 

“I'm in love with you.” Suddenly it was like a huge weight lifted off his chest. “Phil I have been for such a long time and I know how stupid it is that I didn't tell you but I was terrified. And I know that you don't feel the same way but I just wanted to get it off my chest, I just can't live in this lie of being 'best friends' any more. It hurts too much.”

His heart was beating faster than anything and the words rushed out after the first one and hardest ones were pronounced. At this point he just wanted the rejection to come out fast, to tell him as quick as possible that this wasn't real. He could take it. 

But nothing came. No words. No stuttering. And when Dan looked up, he didn't see an uncomfortable-looking Phil. He saw an overwhelmed Phil, a teary-eyed Phil, a very confused Phil indeed. The silence was deafening, Dan should've just told him, right then and there, that it was fake, but for some reason the words just wouldn't come out. Phil just stared at him, and Dan couldn't seem to be able to look away. 

Then slowly, agonizingly slowly, prolonging this moment, Phil got up and took three large slow steps towards Dan, and stopped right in front of him, and looked him straight in the eyes. 

“You're not lying...” He whispered, and his breath hit Dan's face, making him shiver. 

And all of sudden Phil crashed his lips on Dan's. With no warning, and in one moment, his soft lips were on his. And it was magic. The craving he had felt for so long suddenly died down and he melted into the kiss, letting him take over, letting Phil become his everything, and it was the best experience in his life. The love they had covered for so long in stupid desperate attempts to keep their friendship intact suddenly resurface like it never died down. The passion, the confusion, the longing looks, everything was back, and it was all real again, in that one moment and in that one kiss. 

And as soon as the euphoria has risen, it sunk down when the door suddenly opened and Matt burst in, forcing Dan and Phil quickly apart, both flustered and overwhelmed by the kiss.

“Ayy! We got you Phil, it was just a prank!” And with those words, Matt had no idea that he hadn't just broken that kiss. 

Dan tried his best to explain everything but all of a sudden there were no words, nothing to mend what had just been broken. Phil turned away and grabbed his coat, heading out of the room. Dan followed him like a lost puppy, completely shocked by all the emotions he had just gone through. It was only when Phil was at the apartment's door that Dan finally reacted and grabbed the other man's arm.

“Please Phil I swear it wasn't-”

“Save it Dan, I should've known it was a joke. Everything is with you.” 

Dan flinched at the furious look in his eyes and spiteful tone. He had never ever seen Phil so angry, he very rarely was. This time was different, Phil's eyes conveyed so much more emotions, anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment and a very very deep hurt look. Dan was shell-shocked, and he let his hand drop, and in that moment he let the love of his life go as Phil turned, not looking back once. But not before Dan saw the tears brimming in his eyes. 

And then was gone, and Dan had no idea when he would be coming back. It didn't matter though, what did was that Phil had gone and left a broken heart here, and he had no idea that through all this time and all those years of pretending, that this heart was only asking for him to mend it. 

And Dan crumpled to the floor, because in that moment he understood how hard it is to stand when half of your heart is missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here have zis piece of trash. 
> 
> PART 2 WILL BE UP SOON, I'M LAZY RIGHT NOW SOZ


	3. It Was Just A Prank - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 to ya know... part 1.

It had been 5 days. 5 days since a part of Dan's life was gone god knows where. The 5 longest and loneliest days of his life. It was like he was living in a dream, it seemed so unreal, but at the same time Dan knew that no matter how much he wanted this to be fake, he knew this was his stupid reality. All because Phil wasn't a part of it. He always was quite a mess when Phil left for more than three days, plunging into a deep existential crisis, while usually his best friend was there to make him smile. This time was different, and way way worse. For some reason he knew Phil wanted nothing to do with him right now, and the thought alone made the knot in his stomach tighten impossibly. Being so far from Phil just felt wrong, like he wasn't really himself, for some reason. So on the fifth day, Dan was doing just what he'd been doing since Phil closed that door on him. Trying to forget, calling friends, and it was pathetic, the thoughts of just how much he fucked up went round and around in his head, while he was forced to be social by a part of his own mind, while all the time the other part was just hearing without really listening, talking without really speaking. He kept seeing those blue eyes, filled with hurt above anything else he had ever seen. And if, even for a second, the thoughts stopped, he just started remembering the feeling of Phil's lips on his own. He wasn't living in a dream, he was existing in a nightmare. 

Now the other thing was, after Phil had gone, Dan had completely cracked and had yelled insult after insult at Matt, crying, blaming him, when he knew this was all his fault, what was he even thinking? He knew from the beginning that this was only going to end bad for one of them. It was unfair that they both got hurt though.

“Dan this will help you forget, trust me!” Cat explained for the third time today. She had been trying to convince him to go out with her for the evening, which basically meant getting drunk and completely forgetting about everything, and waking up with a terrible headache the next day. He was about to decline for the third time but this time, he didn't know why, he answered differently.

“Where would we go?” Cat grinned triumphantly, she knew she'd won.

“Well I don't know, maybe visit a few bars and then find a good enough club, perhaps the one just down the street. Is there anything wrong with that plan?” Dan groaned, clubs really weren't his favourite things, too much drunk, sweaty people grinding against him without getting his consent. He knew this was a terrible decision, and he would regret it tomorrow but for some reason tonight he felt the indescribable urge to say yes. 

“Fine Cat, but please don't abandon me in some random gay club like last time!” 

**

Dan had no idea what time it was, he had no idea where Cat was, and he had no idea how many shots of this Jagger he'd swallowed. The alcohol burnt his throat, it wasn't really pleasant but in the meantime he felt he was on a very dreamy high. It was as if the world was brand new, and he could do anything, because maybe it wouldn't turn out as bad as it did in the real world. Nothing could stop him. Except maybe the slight difficulty he had to walk, and also maybe how hard it was becoming to say anything, without slurring his words. 

Finally, he spotted Cat dancing with some really tall, really tattooed guy and made his way to her, avoiding bumping into every person like a professional. 

“Caaat!” He called out to her when he was near and she turned, pushing her way to him with a concerned look. She hadn't drank that much, she knew just how much alcohol Dan could sustain in his blood before he vomited everywhere, and she'd promised herself to take care of him. He was like her brother, and she didn't want anything to happen to him. But this choice of club hadn't been random, she'd been talking with Phil's mother, because she knew he would've gone home as a sanctuary. And she'd very kindly informed her than Phil was supposed to be in this very club tonight with some friends who had dragged him. Just before Dan had called her she'd actually spotted him, his back to them, quite a way away. 

She interrupted Dan's ramble about how much he wanted to get a pet turtle and pointed to Phil. 

“Dan look, that guy seems cool! Go talk to him” She instructed and pushed him in the direction of his best friend. 

Dan didn't recognize Phil, partially because he was turned in the other direction, partially because he was drunk enough to write an essay right then and there about why turtles were such good pets. How was he supposed to recognize his best friend in that state? So he made his way innocently towards the black-haired dude and nearly bumped into him. Instead he tapped on his shoulder and cleared his throat loudly, which made him giggle. 

But his laugh was cut off suddenly, when a very familiar, very gentle and very, very beautiful face turned to his. Oh how he'd missed that face. The drunken state he was in seemed to suddenly take over, the emotions not holding back any more. He all of a sudden wrapped his arms around the thin figure in front of him, and clung on to him for dear life, taking in every perfect aspect of his shape. It didn't last long, after the initial shock Phil finally managed to tear Dan away from him and looked at him, completely furious.

“Dan what the hell are you doi- Are you drunk?!” 

“Yeah... I like it.” Dan giggled again and instinctively stepped forward, pressing himself up against Phil. This time though the slightly smaller man didn't reject him, he just stood there, a civil war going on in his head. 

The past few days had been hell for him too, so many sleepless nights when he wanted to call Dan, see if he was doing okay. And now this? He was conflicted, his friend needed him, but the person who had hurt him beyond anything he'd ever felt before hadn't even apologized. He hated seeing him like this, a drunk Dan wasn't a very fun Dan. Maybe at first he would laugh and act like life was the most wonderful thing in the world but he'd soon end up crying in the corner of some dark random room at a party he didn't even want to go to. 

But for some reason tonight felt different. It was like Dan was drunk in his own need and desperation, the alcohol was just a excuse for being like this. When he looked at the man pressed up against him, all he could see was the sincerity in his eyes when he said the things he had. It hurt so much to think years of bottled up feelings had come to this, talking only when they bumped into each other in weird night clubs, with a very intoxicated Dan. 

Instead of trying to reason with him, Phil decided it was just best to bring the poor guy home. He took his 'friend' by the arm, which Dan clung onto pressing into his side, and made his way through the crowd. It was stuffy in here, and the place reeked of sweat and loneliness. He didn't bother saying goodbye to the people he'd come here with, they probably didn't even notice he'd gone, since they nearly had to drag him out of his apartment to get him here. The fresh air and cold breeze suddenly hit his face as they passed through the door, and onto the deserted streets. It was a good thing the club wasn't far away from the apartment, as he would be completely lost if it hadn't been. 

Dan weighed on his arm and he could see at the corner of his eye that he was fighting off falling asleep. 

“Come on Dan, work with me...” he grumbled and pulled his friend along with him, towards the building through the shadows and weird noises. Londond was a weird place at 4 am. 

**

They managed to make it in the apartment with an awake but exhausted Dan and a very, very irritated Phil. He put Dan to bed safely and went to get some sleep too, but just as he was about to, the brown-eyed boy grabbed his arm and looked at him pleadingly.

“Can you stay with me tonight...?” Phil nearly choked, but he couldn't really decline, not when Dan was looking at him with those puppy eyes, he wasn't going to let him go in any case.

He sighed in defeat and climbed into bed next to him, slipping under the covers and turned to Dan.

Just as he was about to fall asleep from exhaustion, he felt an arm wrap around him and Dan's head soon nestled comfortably in the crook of his neck.

This wasn't so bad.

**

When he woke up, Dan thought his head was going to explode, and his stomach lurked. He groaned in frustration at himself and sat up in his bed. Wait, how did he get there, he'd arranged with Cat that he would sleep over at her place. Small snippets of last night suddenly erupted in his head. And to his profound confusion, he saw a pair of familiar blue eyes staring straight into his. Great, just what he needed. 

He got up, ignoring the burst of pain in his head and went into the kitchen. He gulped when he saw Phil, back to him, leaning on the counter, and cleared his throat. His friend turned around sharply and Dan nearly choked at the state of him. His hair was a mess, he was teary-eyed and the bags under his eyes reflected just how little sleep he'd been getting. He looked in his eyes and there was nothing more than coldness. Nothing more than pure hatred. How did this happen? He'd managed to make Phil angry at someone, and he had no idea that this someone loved him more than anyone on this earth. He had to fix this, it was just so wrong. Before he could say anything though, Phil handed him a glass of water of pain killers and walked right pass him.

Maybe that hurt a whole lot more than he would've liked to admit but that wasn't going to stop him. He followed him, not wanting to let him go so easily, not again. Phil was just standing there in the middle of the living room shaking slightly, when Dan grabbed him hand sharply, turning him around. 

“What do you want Dan? Come to laugh at me?” Dan couldn't help the choked sob that escaped his lips. 

“Do I look like I’m here to laugh?” 

“Well I don't know, it might be a prank.” Dan tugged on his hand, making the two friends collide, knocking their breaths out of their lungs for a second. 

“It wasn't a prank in the first fucking place! I mean it may have started out that way bu-” 

“Save it Dan. For someone who you actually care about.” This was too much, how dare he insult him in that way? How dare he tell him that he didn't care? He stared angrily at him and squeezed his hand, then let it go in spite.

“Are you so afraid of this that you won't even let me explain Phil?! Because whatever you do I'll get these words out.” Phil didn't respond, he just stared at him, and it was like he was piercing into his soul, seeing every lie, every truth an every uncertainty he had ever mustered. Dan calmed his breath before he spoke again, he had to get this exactly right. He wished he could've had some time to prepare his words, but this was going to have to do.

“Every word I said that day, every emotion you saw, everything I did, it wasn't a joke Phil, I meant everything. And I’m sorry, you don't have idea of how much I regret not just punching Matt in the face and kissing you right then and there. I let you go, and I'm not doing that again, because Phil I- I do love you. I have for a ridiculously long time and I can't live without you, I’m not me! This is the way it's supposed to be, and nothing could make me happier because I want nothing more...” 

And at that moment there were no words in Phil's mouth that could express the emotions that were bursting inside of him, nothing left to say, he had given up on being rational. 

Instead he ran his fingers through the naturally curled hair of his beautiful best friend. Instead he looked down at him and didn't stop to think how this could ruin everything they had. Instead he pressed his lips against Dan's, and let the emotions seep through, he let his love be given away by every movement, he let his passion go, kissing him with as much pent-up anger and love he could muster. There was no limit to this moment, he knew that it would end but not like everything else ends, he knew this was the beginning of so much more moments, and an infinite number of possibilities, so many ways to love, so many ways to be happy. 

He was on fire. 

He was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW That was cheesy. Ok cool cool that's it! I seriously hope you liked it yo.
> 
> Stay Golden


	4. The Day After My Love Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years after Philip Michael Lester's death, Dan makes a decision.
> 
> For better or for worse.

Do you ever have that strange, daunting feeling of hopelessness? A feeling so desperate, so horribly desperate that your entire being, every bone in our body just gives up? Not a single ounce of your soul or mind wants to continue breathing, there is nothing, no happiness, no sadness, just a mild migraine and the feeling that the dark is coming to take you away. And you accept all of it, you accept that your life has no meaning, that even a tiny bit of happiness is rejected by your soul, because it doesn't come from the right person. 

The feeling takes over everything, your will to live is sucked out of you, and for a while all you do is exist, for a while all you do is smile when you have to and laugh when you don't. But then even that becomes too much, it's all too much of an effort and existing drains you, because you know everyday will be the same, and the one person to make it interesting, the ones person to make you want to live, is gone. After everyday you live, every tear you cry, the lives of the people around you don't matter, faces become a blur, names don't matter as you stare in the abyss that your life has become. You talk to the people you have to talk to. You look at the man in front of you, and make your eyes look alive as much as possible. The man with no name. He refused to tell you when you didn't ask. Every person looks the same, it's sickening how no one has the right face, the face you would die to see one more time. It's sickening how every pair of eyes isn't the right shade of blue, how every pair of lips aren't soft enough to kiss, and how every person you meet just looks wrong. After endless days of socializing with every wrong person, you get to a point where you wake up one day and know that this time, this day, you can't do it. So you stay there, watching the ceiling, because it's better than getting up and existing.

Then what happens? A search for a solution to this everlasting problem of being alive. And there's only one. 

Dan stares at the road under him, and it look like death stares back, waiting for him to join the macabre dance of suicide. Every second he exists, the feeling that he doesn't belong without the right person weighs him down, stops him from being him, makes him wish he would just jump, take that one step to end all of it, it would be so easy. For once in his life Dan isn't scared of death, he smiles at it, his hands taps on his leg in excitement, in a sweet sort of dread. He can't wait for this to happen, but he just waits, waits for the moment when he knows it's ok to die. He's been dead for years, this is the next step, it'll complete this sick existence of his. An existence in which he dies. Dan doesn't think of what he's leaving behind, he doesn't think about his parents, eyes widening in shock when they'll hear the news. He doesn't think about his brother, screaming that it's a lie, that his brother isn't dead. He doesn't think about the people out there who looked up to him, and who've sent him tweets and messages everyday asking how he is, if he's okay. He never answers, they already know what he'll say. He hasn't been okay for three years, and today is just another day of being dead inside. He doesn't think about all those people, the only thing he sees are a pair of beautiful blue eyes, exactly the right shade, lips soft enough to kiss. 

Dan has no idea what is going to happen when he'll take that one step, he doesn't know if he'll see a blue-eyed angel. He doesn't know if he'll just see darkness, he doesn't know if he'll be reborn. But he knows that something will happen, that he'll leave this existence, where that one person just isn't alive. Maybe he'll see him again, and maybe in his death, he'll be truly alive.

But he is certain of one thing, that this is the right decision, that ending himself will resolve the issue of existing. And he'll be dead, and that thought reassures him, because for once the only person capable of reassuring him might be at the end of this pitiful existence. 

-October 25 2021-

Dan, for the third time this day felt a surge of adrenaline run through him and a burst of happy energy shakes him up. Today was the day, today it had been exactly one year since he'd been married to the biggest dork and most adorable, perfect man on the earth. He grinned at himself as he fixed his fringe for the ninth time today, and slumped on the couch waiting for the man that had made his existence a life. It was the best life anyone could ask for, blessed with the man he loved more than anything. He smiled at the romantic lighting in the apartment, and chuckled quietly at how happy Phil would be when he'd see how Dan made the effort to make this day as special as possible. He'd cooked, cleaned the apartment, arranged bouquets of roses around the apartment and even made the bed. He wanted to show the man he loved that he truly made him the happiest he'd ever been, and there was no better day than today. 

Dan couldn't wait to see those eyes he'd fallen in love so many years ago, and he knew he wasn't going to forget that love soon, it was the best feeling in the world to know he'd found that one person that never failed to make his heart skip a beat. To know that no matter what happened, he'd have that love to rely on, and Phil made him feel safer than anyone ever had. 

He was starting to get nervous, even though he tried to ignore the tightening feeling in the pit of his stomach. He looked at his watch. It was now 9:32pm, he knew Phil was only two minutes late but for some reason he had a bad feeling. He got up and started pacing around, gnawing on his fingernails, a bad habit of his as well as all the others. Phil had told him he looked cute when he did that, it was one of the things he loved about his husband, Phil adored every bad habit of his, and didn't try to change him, he made him feel like he was important, and deserved to be loved. 

He noticed it was now 9:53pm and Dan's heart lurched. His mind was racing to the worst possible conclusions, and scenarios formed in his head. Before he could spiral in a void of darkness the phone rang and he jumped on it, expecting the deep voice he loved so much to answer. Instead he heard a woman's voice at the end of the line, a formal tone to her voice but with a slight wobble to it, like she was looking for the right words. 

“Dan Howell?” 

He answered quickly, the knot in his stomach tightening, a feeling of dread making him sweat washed over him.

“Y-yes that's me, why?”

“I'm afraid that your husband was in a car accident half an hour ago. He died in the hospital soon after, but he didn't suffer. I am so very sorry for your loss.” 

-Present Day-

Dan remembers that day today as clearly as he did yesterday, and the memory is as fresh as it was the morning after the accident. The morning after the love of his life died. For some reason there were no tears, he didn't understand what was going on, why everyone was crying, why his brother yelled at him to react. Because in his mind he knew that it wasn't real, he knew he was in a kind of nightmare, or maybe it was all a joke? Maybe for some reason that day had been just a part of his imagination, a sick twisted nightmare, and he was waiting for his love to come back. Anything seemed more realistic than this world in which everybody mourned a death that was too impossible to happen. Nothing made sense, he wanted to shout at everybody to stop hugging him, he just wanted one pair of arms around him, and he knew that they would come back to him one day. No matter what he had to do. 

The day after his love died, he woke up next to no one, and he didn't find Phil in the kitchen making him pancakes with tousled hair.  
The day after his love died, he spent every hour wondering what he would say to Phil when he'd come back from the trip he'd imagined he was on.  
The day after his love died, he looked through his tumblr, but for some reason there was nothing, no shitstorm, just a sickening silence.  
The day after his love died, several people called him to know if he was okay and one person, he think it was his mother, told him he shouldn't deny what was happening.  
The day after his love died, he went to bed with no one to hold him, and Phil wasn't lying next to him telling him he loved him.   
The day after his love died, the blue eyes disappeared, the warm arms didn't welcome him, those lips didn't meet his, his love didn't come back.   
And he didn't the next day, or the next, or the next for three years

And he's finally accepted it, today he knows Phil isn't part of his existence any more. And the feeling of death is pulling him in now, the memories of his lost love rush past his eyes, hurting every inch of his body and making his soul cry out in despair, pushing him more and more towards the edge of this bridge. 

Dan knows that the tears running down his cheeks are the first sign that he's accepting the death of his love, and he shakes his head. Today he woke up knowing he'd stopped denying the absence in his life that had made him tear himself apart. But he doesn't want to see this world without Phil, because over three years he hadn't truly seen it as it was, and today his heart had burst open when he'd seen how grey everything looked without a bit of blue in it. 

And as Dan's own mind pushes him over the edge to the dark abyss of the highway under him, he greets death as an old friend, and the feeling of hopelessness fades into nothingness. He forgets what's happening, he forgets the uncertainty of his own death, he forgets his existence, the lives of the people he once loved, he just remembers that this is it, the day his three-year-existence has been leading up to. The day he'd started accepting.

Dan falls through the air, wind gushing around him, and there's no flashback of his life, just the everlasting memory of Phil, the love he lost, that one person that truly mattered. The person that in this life he could never see again, never hold, never kiss, never hear him laugh, never tell him how much he loves him, never wake up next to him, never truly love, when he didn't even exist any more.

And as the feeling of death washes over him, the uncertainty clears up, he knows no matter what happens, at least this life without Phil will be behind him. 

Because Dan would choose a world of everlasting darkness over one without his love any day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick sad depressing oneshot, reflects my mood in the best way possible haha.


	5. One Last Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11/06/2068
> 
> Dear Dan,
> 
> Happy birthday! You would've been 78 today, and from my 81 years of age I still love you as much as I did when you turned 20.
> 
>  
> 
> Where Phil writes one last letter to his husband, one year after his death.

11/06/2068

Dear Dan,

Happy birthday! You would've been 78 today, and from my 81 years of age I still love you as much as I did when you turned 20.  
It's been exactly one year today since I saw your beautiful eyes close in front of me for the last time. At that time I thought it was so unfair that you should take your last breath on your birthday but now, one year later, I realize everything about that day was amazing, and it's only fair that it had an anti-climatic ending.  
But let's start from the beginning. I'm writing this letter in my horrid hand-writing, trying to remember how many times you told me it was exactly that, for the same reason I wrote every detail about the first day we met in my diary : to remember.  
I wonder if you ever thought about that day, how small you looked waiting there with your brown suitcase at the train station, I'd nearly laughed at the terrified look in your eyes, like a part of your brain doubted that I would be there.  
But then you turned your gaze to me, and you saw the sign I had in my hands, the one I'd taken ages to make in the morning because I was shaking so much with anticipation.  
And oh my, the way you looked at me, I wonder if that's what all the fangirls called 'heart-eyes Howell'. For a second you just stood there, completely shocked that we were finally looking at each other, not just through a screen, finally at touching distance, and then ran straight at me. That's one of the things I'm going to miss so much about you, the passion in your eyes when you looked at something you loved, and knowing that that fire burnt when you looked at me.  
Oh Dan, that day we spent together, I'll never forget it, how shy you were at one moment then would laugh uncontrollably at the next, and how warm your hand felt when you slipped it in mine , intertwining your fingers with them, while you looked innocently in the other direction.  
That day, I remember how every time I looked at you, it seemed you did everything in your power to make me fall in love with you, and yes I did fight it off at first. But you know better than anyone I'm not good at resisting, especially resisting you.  
The next week was beautiful, I know how vague that sounds but Dan I'm 81, what do you want from me, my memory is fading little by little. But even though my age is getting the better of me, I still remember the first time I ever woke up by your side on a bed really not made for two, I still remember how you would laugh while covering your mouth, and how from that moment on when I told you not to hide it you never did again. I still remember how in less than three days we entered that stage when we would end every sentence with “I love you”.  
I'd like to think that you meant it every time you said it even after asking me to pass you the ketchup.  
I'd love to say that I didn't care about the looks in the street, the names we got called, that one man who told me I could do better, and how much you'd cried after every remark.  
You know, it's funny how low you thought of yourself, you never thought you deserved me, while I was holding you sobbing in my arms, or while I'd kiss you, no you never did think you were good enough.  
But oh Dan, my beautiful Dan, I promise you that in all those moments I'd wished you would've stopped thinking for a second, I wish you could've just given yourself to me entirely, and stopped doubting, because all that mattered was that you were there and I was too and we loved each other, and nothing could ever break that.  
And then came the moment when something did break that. I'd love to say that everything was perfect and we got married and we lived a nice full life, but as do a lot of things in life, it turned out completely different.  
After those months of love, of back and forth visits to Manchester, and finally moving in together, something in your brain clicked, maybe you realized that I was the one that wasn't good enough, maybe you started doubting your own heart and decided to bury it deep inside you, or maybe you were just the sort of person that wanted change in their lives, never happy with what made them happy. I know now that the harsh words you said to me, how you spat them out in your slightly intoxicated state, I know you never meant any of them. But back then when you attacked me with those disgusting words, my entire being got crushed, my heart torn to pieces and when you said “I don't love you”, everything came crashing down on me, the weight of the terrifying nightmares coming to life, months of falling more and more deeply in love with you got muffled together in one big lie and deception. Everything turned bitter, now every time I looked at you I heard your arrogant voice saying 'I love you' in a twisted, nasty way. Nothing was lost, it was even worse. The sweet memories of love turned to bitterness and sorrow, reminding me that everything you said was a lie.  
Oh how I hated loving you the morning after you said those words, how I'd wished the feelings had just disappeared when I knew you didn't feel them for me.  
But I'm not writing this to remember those horrid years of silence and you going out with other friends, pretending you didn't love me, and looking at me, annoyed when I told you we needed to film a Phil is not on fire.  
It's funny, if I had known Dan, if I had just known you didn't mean any of it, I would've forgiven you in a heartbeat, and we wouldn't have lost all those years of pretending and bitter sweet moments when we were forced to spend time together, well when you were forced to spend time with me. But let's not dwell on horrid thoughts, this isn't a time to cry over lost moments and faded memories.  
Forwards in time, well until the moments I still remember. When everything fell into place and I made you spit out that you never meant those sharp words that pierced my heart and made it bleed slowly, agonizingly.  
You know what I remember most clearly those many years of loving Dan? How living and being with you in London was the best and most amazing thing in the world. How I would wake up to the smell of waffles, and find you singing along to one direction, having made the biggest mess possible in the kitchen. How you would wake me up at 8 am every Easter, Halloween, and Christmas to film a special video. How you thought I didn't hear you listening in to me filming my video, your ear pressed against the wooden door. How you always knew to put one cube of sugar in my tea and only put milk in when I was sick. How loud you would chew when you watched The great British Bake Off or other cooking programs.  
All those little things Dan, they were so you, and there was no better loving than yours. You were always frustrated that you couldn't take me out on perfect dates, so instead you would try to cook me a nice meal, most of the time just making a mess but not caring and we would watch one of my favourite movies.  
It was on a night like this, on the 25th of October 2021 that you turned to me suddenly, without a word of warning, a wild look in your eyes, and got down on one knee.  
What I loved about that night, about the way you proposed to me is that it came out of nowhere, like you hadn't planned any of it, it felt like you just looked at me for a split second and knew the next that you wanted me to be yours.  
And because you never were afraid to live in the spur of the moment, you just got down and looked at me, and asked me, straight out asked me to give myself to you. You didn't even have a ring you idiot! And slowly but then all at once it sunk in that we were engaged. How long I'd dreamt of that moment, but never how I would've reacted, how much I hoped you would prepare a whole evening for us and then ask me the fatal question. Instead it was even better because your love just hit me like a fricking lorry Dan, when I was expecting in the least.  
The rest of the night is a blur my love, well to be honest you would kill me for saying this but the, rest of the year was a blur. 81, remember?  
One year later and thirteen years after we first met, there we were standing in that small church, you trying not to cry, me pretending I would be strong enough if you did. We had never wanted a big ceremony, just us two, our families, and a couple of our closest friends, in a small church. Nothing fancy or expensive but god, Dan, my love, that day you looked more beautiful than you ever had, not because you had made yourself pretty, to me you always were, but because you were radiating with so much happiness and glowing with more warmth than I had ever seen inside your brown eyes.  
The ceremony is a bit of a blur darling, the words of the priest didn't really matter to me, I was too busy watching you burning with a love more passionate than I had ever seen.  
But I do remember the party we had afterwards, and how when all the guests had left you put the music on to 'Thinking out loud' and pulled me into your arms, gently running your hands through my hair, not caring that you looked a mess after Louise had tried to braid your hair.  
I had never felt so happy in my entire life than when you had just held me there, next to your heart while saying it was beating for me.  
God Dan the way you made me feel, whispering those words in my ear. It never changed, how I felt when I was with you, each time I would look at you my heart would skip a beat because I couldn't and still can't quite believe you chose me of all the people on earth.  
I told you so many times how beautiful you looked but never, not once did you ever believe me, too scared I was lying, too scared to think that I could possibly love the way you are. But I’m here to set the record straight, and it's ironical that today you're not here to roll our eyes at me or tell me that I’m not 'seeing straight'.  
Dan I always thought you were beautiful. Do you know why? Because I know you, like no one else does, no matter how much they pretend to do. I know you are the most loving and passionate person I could ever ask for. I know how terrified you get when we watch a horror movie and can't help but unconsciously hold onto me for dear life. I know that you would do anything, go to any length, to make a person feel like they are worth something. I know how angry you get when you see anyone, whoever they may be, get insulted or in any form bullied on the internet or in the streets. I know you believe in doing what you can to make the world a better place. I know how jealous you get when I collab with someone else, or how you can sulk for days because I got invited to a party and you couldn't go. I know all your little imperfections, all your involuntary mild OCD behaviours, like when you can't help but straighten my fork when I put it on the table. I know you Dan and every time, each time I look at you and I see you I am reminded of those things that makes you yourself and to me that makes you so, so beautiful.  
But enough of the cheesiness let's skip a few years. 2026 was a good year for us Dan, despite the fights we had, like any other couple, in that year, I can't remember the precise date, came in Sally. Our daughter. I remember how we visited the orphanage and she was unlike any other child we had ever seen, she was just sat there, watching, observing her surroundings, like she was seeing them for the first time. My dear Sally, if you read this just know that your dad loved you so, so much. He would take you on his lap and sit at the piano, guiding your tiny fingers over the keyboards. You bought a ray of sunshine in our lives and suddenly it was like we fell in love all over again, seeing each other under a new angle, capturing the other under a new light. Dan you were such a good father to our little Sally, you never let her down, even when she went through her annoying 'I'm independent' phase. In the tough moments you were there for her and for me, always watching, always caring, never stopping, it must have been exhausting.  
Our Sally grew up so beautiful, she has your eyes, I always said so. At this precise moment she is visiting your grave, she took a gorgeous rose with her to replace the old one, we put a new one every month. Just like our love, as long as we are here to preserve and to show it, it will never change or fade.  
Dan all those years, those 59 years spent together, laughing, insulting each other, teasing, making stupid videos, teaching Sally to play a few notes on the piano, making chocolate cakes from the same recipe book, trying our best at being parents, I may not remember all of them but I remember that it doesn't change the fact that never in a million years would I have chosen to forget them with someone else.  
My dearest love, you gave me hope, you made me cry, you made me laugh like I have never laughed and you have bought me enough happiness for a life time. Our love story was like any other I suppose, except we have the advantage of knowing that none other than each other could have made a more beautiful story.  
To quote Hazel Grace Lancaster, like all real love stories, ours will die with us. I was never one to believe things like that but I do now because I realized when you were in that bed, with your wrinkly eyes and fading dimples that part of our love story died with you, the part of the picture you painted of me, my part, the part where you explain how I loved you, while trying to hold back the tears, because a part of me died when you did, the part that was good at loving you. And that's okay, it doesn't need to be told, it was always just us Dan, against the rest of the world, and now our love will die, the years that we built together and the lives we led will fade, only remembered by some. I'm not going to pretend that I don't miss you, because my love dear god every day hurts more than the previous one and it goes on and on and on, the weeks go by and my time will come, like yours did.  
But Dan I wrote this letter because I need to remember everyday one more thing about you and today it is this : you were always better at loving than I was.  
So this is my goodbye to you, short but sweet and effective, I can feel death coming, and I’m not going to lie, I truly am terrified. I'm scared that you won't be the first thing I see when I leave this earth the way you did.  
But never mind, I’m supposed to be the strong one in this relationship aren't I? So while I finish this letter, trying not to spill my tea with a cube of sugar and milk in it, I just want this to be said one last time Dan, I love you. From all my heart and all my soul and everything that can feel the way you make me feel, I love you.  
And those are my parting words, I guess it's the end of our love story, it seems like only yesterday I was drawing whiskers on your pretty face. I can hear Sally coming down the hall now, and I can't spill tears on this letter, it's too precious too me.  
Goodbye Dan, my love, my everything, I know you didn't believe in that soulmate shit but for once don't roll your eyes at me, believe me when I say that your face, your words, your behaviour is what I fell in love with, and even though we wasted so much time pondering over stupid things I know it all comes down to one thing : I really do believe you were my soulmate, and I deeply, sincerely, wish you could be here to look straight into my eyes and for once spot no lie, see only honesty and love, because I wish one more time I could tell you I love you.

So today Dan, for the last time ever, I'll say it, and I don't care if some kid comes around and laughs at me because I’m crying, I couldn't care less, all that matters is you, all I can see is you now Dan, through my teary eyes all I can remember is you.

And my god Dan do I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like this? I didn't like this. So yeah tell me if you did cuz I feel like this really isn't anything special or idk good. Yay for insecure Jude! But anyways please comment, it gives me a lot of happiness and motivation. Also tll me what was your favourite line of the letter!


	6. Violin Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas's new hobby intrigues Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok wow, my first EVER attempt at writing Destiel so this is probably really shitty, I don't know if i got the characters right. i hope you like it anyway !
> 
> Stay Alive <3

Dean's POV 

 

The bunker had become a sort of huge hobby nest in the past few months. Sheets of folded paper laid everywhere at Castiel's poor attempt at origami, books, paintbrushes, packs of cards, abandoned puzzles, books on “how to draw”, legos, piled up in every corner. 

 

Dean picked up a pair of knitting needles, setting them somewhere they wouldn't stab anyone, and sighed, making a path to his desk and sat down, his hand massaging his temple. Cas had picked up every hobby possible, abandoning each one of them, with no consideration for the rest of the their personal space. Dean didn't know which fun activity Cas had started this week but he hoped to dear god he'd dropped his dream of becoming an opera singer.

Dean hadn't seen Cas in a few days, 5 to be exact, having been out on a hunt but he stayed sitting there, enjoying the personal moment he finally had while Sam was out getting something to eat. 

This moment though, was cut short when he heard sound coming from another room, and he nearly exploded when he heard the distinct noise of a violin. He walked towards the sound and just as he was about to burst angrily through the door, he stopped. 

He was actually good at this. The melody he didn't recognize was played softly but still hesitantly, floating in the air around him. He didn't move, his hand still on the edge of pushing the door open. After a long moment, he opened it, as softly as possible, not wanting the music to stop. He didn't want to admit it, but for once, he had to admit that maybe Cas wasn't as hopeless as he seemed. 

He cracked the door open just slightly and tiptoed in, revealing Cas who was standing there, eyes closed, and a look of pure concentration on his face. 

Dean just stood there for a moment, not moving, just observing Cas struggle through the piece with quite a bit of grace actually. He never thought the angel could ever be graceful if he was honest with himself. 

It was something like 3 long minutes later that Dean finally left the room and returned to his “work”, not saying a word on the fact he'd just spied on Cas for something like 5 minutes. In his head, that sounded perfectly normal.

 

-3 days later-

 

It was 3 days later that the violin was somehow bought up again. This time though, no one was home. Well, Sam was resting in his room and Cas was away on some weird angel business. 

For some reason, Dean found himself walking towards the room Cas was in 3 days ago, not really expecting to find the violin laying there, and he was even more surprised when he picked it up, feeling the cool wood against his fingers. The feel of the instrument felt smooth and nice when he held it against him. He had no idea how to hold the thing so he just clumsily copied how he'd seen Cas do it, holding the bow in his right hand. 

 

Before he could do anything else though, he heard the familiar and distinctive sound of angel wings and jumped when he felt the presence of Cas right behind him. Before he could turn around though, Cas had placed his cold hands above his, not touching them though and placed the violin correctly.

 

Dean couldn't move, stuck in place. The angel was so close, but somehow he wasn't touching him. Before he could go full freak out “that-wasn't-gay-mode”, Cas finally broke the awkward silence.

 

“You're holding it wrong” He said in his always unusually deep voice.

 

“I didn't realize I was talking to a professional violinist” Dean muttered, right away. 

 

“I can teach you if you want” And somehow in that rough voice, the proposal sounded so innocent that Dean nearly laughed. 

“Do your worst” he said, not really expecting what was coming.

He was expecting a nonsense of weird words and blurry techniques he would never remember. Instead, Cas barely moved, just laying his hand right on top of Dean's, guiding the bow on the instrument.

Soon, the two were a mess of limbs, the angel somehow awkwardly but still comfortably pressing against Dean, his arms mimicking the other's and helping the latter produce the very same melody he was playing three days ago. 

It wasn't long before Cas started moving his feet and there in the violin room, were two guys twirling to a slow and hesitant tune. 

Dean didn't really understand why the whole thing made his heart beat faster, but he knew that when Cas full on grabbed his right hand and he suddenly slipped up, making the tune stop, that this situation didn't seem quite... normal for two friends.

They just stayed there for a long moment, Cas's arm around Dean, no movement or sound until Dean finally coughed, making the other jump, feeling like something in the air just broke. 

They separated, Dean's heart beating a million times faster, tension filling the air. Obviously when he turned around, Castiel was just looking at him, his head tilted in that weird but cute confused look. 

And after a long sentence coming from Dean's mouth that sounded something like “welligottagopieiswaitingthanksformusic”, he left the room, very flushed and feeling very dazed. 

And for once, Cas didn't abandon his hobby in the pile of other abandon and everyday once in a while, Dean would ask for an obviously very straight violin lesson.

**Author's Note:**

> Yo here's some quick oneshots for y'all hope ou like em tell me what you think 
> 
> Stay Alive
> 
> PS : psssst... send me prompts for oneshots here : 
> 
> charlotteknight@hotmail.fr
> 
> And i'll gladly post them here, go crazy guys o3o


End file.
